Any woman that wants to go into some type of immediate depression – need only to head to try on bathing suits for the season. If you aren’t stressed out about bathing suits – then I hate you (just kidding – good for you). Well, I’ve tried on quite a few this year already and have not bought one of them. The suit should lift and pull and push and flatten and basically be a freaking miracle for us folks who got what we got because it is just there! This one doesn’t pull that up enough and this one has a little of this hanging out in the wrong place and this adorable suit…who the hell is that made for? Catalog suits scare the crap out of me – because let’s face it – that woman posing in it does not have my body and she probably never gave birth to monster child (damn kids ruined my figure – it is all their fault). Now I’m very happy that I’ve slimmed down since last swim season (and not from eating bon bons & watching my stories). I’ve been running and swimming and eating well and I feel great…but….here is the but….I have not had plastic surgery on my body! Why isn’t skin elastic fercryingoutloud and why has gravity and nursing wreaked havoc on my boobs (I love you Vicky’s Secret & your freaking miracle bras – wish I could glue you on permanently)?

Guys, if you know any woman who has to go bathing suit shopping – be sympathetic – and don’t be around her after the shopping excursion (you’ve been warned)! To think I actually had dreams of wearing a 2 piece this season…not going to happen unless it has a vacuum built into it that sucks things in! So if you see a 41 year old woman on the Tchefuncte River in her boat this summer wearing full body Spanx – just wave!

Update: 3/24 Update: I went to Bora Bora Swimwear in Mandeville and they hooked me up with a 2 piece that actually worked miracles! They did not pay me for this ad but maybe they’ll give me a discount next time:)

Picture stolen from my good friend William Teach. This pinup is by Gil Elvgren, with a wee bit of help. Teach added the “Patriotic Puppy.”