Dear Little Hoodlums,

I was thrilled to be asleep at 10:30 on Friday night- I’m a real party animal these days. Go on, laugh at me for being so lame. When you decided to to wake me from my sleep by playing “Ding Dong Ditch” or “Ring and Run” I laughed the first time. After all, when I was in high school, my house was the victim of this multiple times over the years. And to set the record straight, I may have partaken in this juvenile prank one time or the other (shhhh). When you decided to go to a different door about 15 minutes later – OK – you were pretty tricky. At 11:00 on the third attempt – I was getting quite perturbed. Like a crazy woman, I opened my front door, saw your 2 little male heads in my neighbor’s bushes, yelled at you that this was not funny anymore and people in this house needed their sleep. I went back to bed as I was freaking exhausted – long week. And you are damn lucky Chulo the Super Dog did not come get you as he was barking like a lunatic. I was back asleep and you rang 2 more times – get a life kids – is this really that entertaining?

Now the Toyota Sienna Mommy Van that I wish I could get rid of as it is ohhhh so not cool (but I have to get a wheelchair in and out now, so my next car is on hold), is not in perfect condition. Trust me little hoodlums, I hate my Mommy Van! I’d like to say that I try my hardest to defy my age and look my best and I could not feel less glamorous in this rolling piece of practicality. There are some scratch marks from bikes from the kiddos and a couple of shopping cart scrapes that give it that true Mommy coolness. A couple of weeks ago, someone even put a nice key mark on the driver’s side. Not sure when or where it happened grrrr….. My van often reminds me of this video below too!

So yesterday, I loaded my dad and my kids in my ultra sexiness on wheels to head to lunch. My little garden flag pole was mangled – no biggie – you guys were so tough showing your strength – I bent it back in no time (I may be small but I am strong too). Driving out I stopped chat with a couple of neighbors to see if they had seen you and they pointed to the sexy mobile and I said – ya I know (thinking they were talking about the bike scratches). After stopping at a store with my friend who I also picked up, we were heading back to the car and low and behold, there on the side of the car was carefully scratched in with a key, the words “Fuck, Ass and a lame picture of a penis.” I am so impressed you know these words, seriously and I’m sure your parents would be proud too. As for the penis picture – a 3 year old could have drawn that, so I suggest you not pursue a career in art.

The police came to the house after I returned from lunch. When I was filing my report, he scolded me for not calling when you started ringing the doorbell. Honestly, I said, I think the Mandeville Police have more to do than waste their time with dealing with this nuisance kid stuff. He also said you knocked down a mailbox on the block and no worries, all the houses here will be getting a letter to see if anyone else had any damage. The more stuff we have against you – the better! Just so you know little hoodlums, you damaged 3 panels of a van and now I have to file an insurance claim- that will cost a lot of money. And don’t think I will show mercy on you when you get caught. Last year, 4 little bastards broke into 6 cars in the neighborhood and got caught. I was more than happy to go to court over the GPS stolen out of my mommy van in the driveway! And yes – they paid to replace it.

What you should be most ashamed of, is knowing the psychological damage you are putting me through. Getting in my van is embarrassing enough, and now I have to refer to it as the “F mobile” or the “Assmobile” too.

V/R

Greta, the beeotch who will track you down and teach you a lesson!